Intestinal India

India's advertising motto is "Incredible India". And this, no doubt, is a fair enough statement. But with all of the gastrointestinal attrocities that I've been having lately, I've decided to call them up and propose that they change it to "Intestinal India". I've already got T-shirts and bumper stickers on order. Another pro-India digestive slogan I'm working on is "India: You've never shat so hard." I think this T-shirt will sell as well as my previously released, "I thought I had TB until I realized it was only Kolkata" T-shirt. I can see the tourists flying to India like a flock of Avian Flu chickens. Intestinal issues are so frequent here, and not just with me, that when you meet another traveler it's only a matter of time before you're both sharing war stories on intestinal issues you've had. Take this guy from Canada I met a few days ago who told me about buying an egg omelette on a train that was so greasy that it soaked clear through the piece of old used newspaper it was served on. Oh, he ate it, you always do. How bad could it be, right? He said he was throwing up for days.
There are four types of toilets here. The first is the standard, western, sit down toilet that you are use to seeing in North and South America, Europe, Australia and New Zealand. The second is the Indian, squat toilet that is essentially just a hole in the floor with a place to put your feet on each side of the hole. These are found throughout Asia and the Subcontinent of India. Inorder to use the squat toilet you need to have done squat lunge exercises for at least 3 months before traveling. The third type of toilet here is the hybrid squat/western toilet. It is an upright western toilet bowl with a wide ridged spot on each side of the bowl rim where you can put your feet. You can either sit down on this toilet like a regular western toilet or you can stand up on the rim of the bowl and squat. You decide which is less awkward. The forth type of toilet is not really a toilet at all. It's just the ground or the street or a field or the gutter. Many is the time when my sleepy morning commute to volunteer in Kolkata was shaken awake by the sight of a person/people squatting in the street dropping trough. And you thought avoiding stepping in dog droppings was bad.
Now, if you are not accustomed to going in an Indian style squat toilet, it is important to take off your pants before you try to go otherwise tragedy is imminent. You really need to have grown up using one to master the whole squatting down far enough and balancing yourself backwards to avoid dropping it in your own trousers. Trust me, take the pants off.
Now on a train in India you are more likely to find a squat toilet, though once in a while you will find a western one. And let me tell you it's like Christmas morning when you find that western toilet. But, for the most part, expect the hole. It's been a while since I rode on a train in the US but trains in India seem to rock back and forth quite a bit when they are rolling. So much so that you would never consider even trying to use the squat toilet while the train is in motion. And since you are not suppose to use it while the train is parked in the train station (remember, it's just a hole, right out to the ground, not a holding tank) because that would be uncleanly, you are left with holding it until you get to your destination. Which can be a real problem when you are on a 17 hour train ride and are having bowel troubles. What was once a initive stance of never using the squat toilet on a moving train becomes an inevitable necessity.
Now if you are going to attempt the moving train squat toilet, you need to strip down completely (except for your shoes of course, wouldn't want to catch a fungus). It is important to tie your clothing off to something up above, way off the floor, like a water pipe or something. Your money belt usually serves as a good device for tying things off.
Keep in mind that there are no hand rails in these toilets. But there usually is a water spiggot just above floor level with a metal cup chained to it (I'll explain later) right in front of the squat area. This spiggot becomes a handy thing to hold onto while you're going and being tossed about the room. When you think you've finished, you take the metal cup and fill it with water from the little spiggot. With your right hand you pour the water down your bum where the small of your back meets your butt and with your left hand, clean away. This is how most of Asia goes to the bathroom. Keep in mind though that the train is still moving and you really need two hands to do this properly. But realize that, one hand or two, it's going to be messy. Now why the metal cup has a chain on it I'll never know. Who in their right mind would steal the toilet cup? But it is important to check the length of the chain prior to setting into your mission. More than once have I realized, after the business was done, that the chain was so short the cup wouldn't reach around back. I won't go into how this was solved, just check the length beforehand. Forget the thought that you are going to use toilet paper in there, you're only asking for trouble.
Now I really like India food, but the food here, though many of the dishes are the same as back home, is a little different. It's heavier, oilier and much spicier. These are the perfect conditions for causing problems when you're eating it 3 meals a day. Also, not all meals are good here. If you ever travel to Thailand, you'll find that every meal is good. Here, it's hit or miss, mixed with the wonder of whether or not you will wake up sick in the middle of the night. This is why it is important to have everything you need for the toilet laid out in your room, ready to go should you get "struck" in the night.
There is one thing that Indian food has in it that we no longer do in the US, especially in soda, and that's sugar. Remember that stuff. I was drinking a Sprite the other day and passed the time by reading the ingredients label and there it was, sugar. Not high fructose corn syrup. It was tasty, I miss that sugar.
I'm now in the midst of a flora war myself. Whether it's a second wave of the Gangidha paying me a visit or just a side effect of the antibiotic Ciprofloxacin that I took about a month ago, I'll have to see. Today marks day number 13 in a row of steady diarrhea. I think I'll try for a Guiness World Record.